Managing Stepparent Relationships
June is a crazy time of year. Proms, graduations and the start of wedding season. Family events all, intended as a time of celebration. The problem today is that the room can get a touch crowded when there has been a separation or divorce.
Step-parents come in two flavors: wise and clueless. The wise ones should be quietly celebrated. The clueless often require an “intervention.”
Two recent articles are my inspiration. In one, an affluent stepmom provided her step-daughter with a $1,000 prom dress. You can imagine the reaction of birthmom. The second story was about a stepdad who had long ago decided that he would treat his stepkids as equals and provide the same education and economic benefits. In that case, birth father had disappeared for many years. But, as sometimes occurs, parents who have left the stage of parenting for years at a time grow curious to see what became of their progeny as they approach adulthood. The stepfather who had “stepped up” now learned that the daughter he treated as his own was now phoning and seeing her long missing dear old dad. Again, the response was not a good one. https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/stepdad-pulls-funding-after-real-dad-surprise/ss-AA24UADA?ocid=socialshare#image=8
Things often begin badly. Mom and Dad separate just after Christmas. Dad arranges to take their child for a President’s Day ski trip. The car rolls up, the adoring child rolls out to get in the car and notices the front seat is occupied by “Dad’s new friend who will be joining us.” Kid freaks out. Is the child betraying mom by getting in the car? Who is this person?
Wise stepparents or “significant others” understand there are only two parents and a stepparent is not a parent. By maintaining some distance but always being available to “listen” children often form special bonds with stepparents because they rise above the fray of actual parent conflict. They understand their place is in the background and help a child navigate parental conflict rather than enter the fray themselves. They may straighten a tie or repair a hem but they have no role in selecting let alone buying a prom dress. They may even have better views about a topic or be a solution to a problem. But, those views are given to the real parent with whom they have a relationship, Young adults will often express both admiration and genuine affection for the wise stepparent. “He/she was always there for me but never in the way my parents could get.”
The “walk on” appearance of the long lost parent is also an irksome issue. As we noted in a recent post, we have a family narrative of unity and strength. Divorce essentially explodes that narrative. Because children today are central to family life, kids often wonder whether they caused the separation. And, sometimes they are right about that. A walkaway parent becomes, for the child, a subject is curiosity. “Why was I abandoned?” “Who is this person?” The condition afflicts adopted kids as well. “Why did you give me up?” This curiosity is perfectly natural, but it is also quite threatening to step or adopted parents who filled the void for years. Even more frustrating is the return of the walkaway parent who got his/her act together and now seems to be a force for good. The 28 year old who walked out the door in 2006 saying “I won’t pay a dime” is now 48 and ready, willing and able to pay half for your child’s wedding with the quarter million in support he did not pay after he left. Your daughter says she would like that. Your second husband who picked up the slack of daddy’s non-support is fit to be tied.
When these issues arise, parents tend to lay on the judgments. The better route is to ask the child: “Have you thought about the feelings of others? I understand how you would like to re-connect with your father but have you considered the spiritual and economic investment your step father had made for 20 years?”
Stepparenting is a precarious job. It merits respect and discussion when the going gets tough.