“Senior Shack-Up”: Be Prepared for Some Worried Looks

It’s Christmas, which according to Peanuts is “Together Time.” Your spouse passed away a couple years ago or you parted ways in one of the latest trends: the “grey” divorce. Meanwhile, you found someone new who really appeals to you. He/she/they is a source of comfort and joy so you are sharing the holidays together with your respective families. The relationship is moving forward nicely. Perhaps it is time to announce plans to begin living together in 2025. And what better place than around the tree to announce these happy tidings?

Don’t be surprised to see some quizzical if not troubled looks to what should otherwise be a happy event. Suddenly, one or more of your kids is following you into the kitchen and asking very pointed and un-celebratory questions:

When will this happen?

Whose house will you occupy?

Will you still keep the Jersey/Florida/Arizona house?

Hate to ask, but what will happen if you die?

You’re not changing the will, are you?

You’re not going to marry again, are you?

If you were hoping for a “toast” to your new relationship, you may be naïve.  If you have traveled to Istanbul, you might have visited a mosque called the Hagia Sophia. For centuries tt was a church but in 1453 it became a mosque. That’s how your kids are feeling. They lived their lives in the “church” of your former marriage. They are longstanding congregants of that faith and today you are rocking that faith by announcing there is a new deity in town.

Then there is the financial side. Most holidays guests leave their financial statements at home for the holidays. But once the “consolidation” of households in announced questions about financial impact may start to swirl. Let’s assume the announcement of living together in 2025 is made at dad’s house. Reasonable question: “So where will the two of you live together?” “I’ll probably move into Sue’s house in Bryn Mawr since it’s a little more spacious than mine.” “Will you be selling your house?” “Not right away but if things work out there’s no point supporting two homes 10 miles from each other.”

Energy otherwise devoted to the upcoming Eagles-Cowboys game begins to shift. Will dad be buying into this unknown house? Is he going to be contributing to the expenses there and how much? Will he keep the condo at the shore and if not, what do I do with the kids this summer? Does this woman have money or is she making this deal so dad can support her lifestyle? What happens if she dies? What happens if he dies? Is she going to get some of his money or the condo? Obviously, this is Christmas and not a deposition but don’t be surprised if your good news causes the polite banter to trail off and for things to get quiet.

Many parents in this position are naïve. “This is my life, my money, earned through a lifetime of labor. I love my kids, and they will inherit whatever is left when I die. But how and with whom I will live until then is my business and not theirs.” But your kids are thinking a different way. “I want dad (mom/whatever) to live well and have a good time. But I don’t need to have his/her estate complicated by someone I barely know. Suppose she gets him to make her beneficiary of his estate? Suppose her “nicer” house in Bryn Mawr is mortgaged to the hilt and her deceased husband left her almost penniless?

Aside from “I was just kidding. We’re only dating” here is what your kids would like to hear. “Before I move in with anyone I will sit down with my lawyer and work through the repercussions and my commitments.” That signals that you are not smitten with this new relationship and realize that it involves both commitments and expectations. You may be in love with this new person, but your legal adviser won’t be. And, if the lawyer is good, that person is going to ask about what are the long-term plans. One issue that lawyers commonly grapple with is the referenced “Bryn Mawr” house. If your father moves into girlfriend’s manse and she dies, is he getting the house, a life estate (until he dies) or will the movers being contracted to remove his possessions as the woman who owned it is being lowered into the grave.

This isn’t Christmas talk. But these will be Christmas thoughts if you come out and announce the news of Project Cohabitation 2025.