Christmas Custody: 12 Days from Hell

It starts about two weeks before Thanksgiving. And the “season” will wrap up this third week of December. Couples who separated during 2024 just assume the holidays will work out when it comes to where their kids will be and when. After all, tis’ the season for good will towards all men, right?

Well, it isn’t and that reality does not come into focus much before November. Back when I chaired the rules committee for family law in my county, I tried to insist on a rule requiring every custody ordered entered after July 1 have explicit holiday provisions, especially governing Thanksgiving and what we euphemistically call “Winter Break.” It didn’t happen.

So, beginning in November the emergency holiday petitions begin to appear because the assumed reasonableness of the now separated parents is meeting with the demands of family. “Well, the children will be with us on Thanksgiving, right?” Many children endure two meals that day because in America we cannot give proper thanks for our bounty without consuming 1200-1800 calories. “Dad, I’m not hungry. I just ate when I was at Mom’s house.” “Shut up and pretend to eat it, your grandmother made it for you.”

The time and legal fees spent on these petitions is crazy. But, of course, these are matters of principle for goodness’s sake. “All he does is get drunk and watch football that day.” This is met with: “For the last decade we never went once to celebrate with my family. Always hers. That’s gonna change from now on.”  And so, it goes.

Not satisfied with the legal bills for Thanksgiving, we move on to Christmas. This includes the possible overlay of Channukah and the conflict that creates. Then we have the folks who plan to travel during the “Winter break” and want to alter schedules because of flight arrangements. My darkest moment came one year when I was on the phone with my fellow gentile lawyer on Christmas morning as we negotiated over how our Jewish clients would each spend Christmas Day with their children (at the movies and then Chinese take-out).

Then there are what can be termed “special circumstances.” The court order says “Christmas Eve to Christmas Day at noon in odd years with Mom; even with Dad.” But then it is discovered that Mom’s 95 year old great grandmother will be coming to Mom’s for Christmas dinner so “We need to switch.” Why? Because she’s 95 and this may be her last Christmas. Judges get stuck hearing these matters. And what is there to hear? Should we have her physician testify to her condition? Are her blood work and EKG admissible to show the end is near? Can dad introduce the actuarial tables of the Social Security Administration to establish that 95 year old women have a life expectancy of 3.2 years? And the refrain from dad: “Why am I paying an attorney because she can’t figure out her family’s schedule? 95 year old ladies eat everyday, not just on Christmas.”

So, have yourselves some merry little Christmases. But keep the yuletide gay by staying away from your county courthouse and the frustrated people inside who are tasked with deciding whether Christmas ends early because the Southwest flight to Santa Fe leaves Newark at 6:45 AM on Boxing Day and the airport is a two-hour drive. Santa will confirm that because he’s usually on that flight for a little sun after a hard day’s night.